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Chelsea Handler
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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Paperback – June 6, 2005

by Chelsea Handler (Author)
4.3 out of 5 stars 3,209
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In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.

You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.

Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty.

Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.
Previous page
  1. Part of series
    A Chelsea Handler Book/Borderline Amazing Publishing
  2. Print length
    213 pages
  3. Language
    English
  4. Publisher
    Bloomsbury USA
  5. Publication date
    June 6, 2005
  6. Dimensions
    5.49 x 0.6 x 8.33 inches
  7. ISBN-10
    1582346186
  8. ISBN-13
    978-1582346182
  9. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"Offbeat and laugh-out-loud-funny essays... smart, funny, and quick read." (Library Journal Review)

"Where have I been all of Chelsea Handler's life? I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is…she is too clever for words." (Liz Smith New York Post)

In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt."
(Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry, Dating Big Bird, and Her)

"Chelsea Handler is a terrific comedian and a hilarious writer."
(Jay Leno)

"This book is no-holds-barred hilarious."
(Jennifer Weiner, author of In Her Shoes and Little Earthquakes)

"[Chelsea] just might be funnier than David Sedaris."
(Dallas Observer)

"Prime reading material for anyone looking to laugh their hiney off."
(About.com)

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Bloomsbury USA; First Paperback Edition (June 6, 2005)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 213 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1582346186
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1582346182
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 8 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.49 x 0.6 x 8.33 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.3 out of 5 stars 3,209

About the author

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Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler is an accomplished stand-up comic and actress, as well as the bestselling author of My Horizontal Life. She is the star of her own late-night show on E!, Chelsea Lately; was one of the stars of Girls Behaving Badly; has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman; and has starred in her own half-hour Comedy Central special. Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles.

Customer reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
4.3 out of 5
3,209 global ratings
Awesome book!
5 Stars
Awesome book!
Very funny. Love the stories. Chelsea is amazing and so very funny. I love it.
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Top reviews from the United States

Wallito
5.0 out of 5 stars Is chelsea handler telling the truth or do we care?
Reviewed in the United States on January 31, 2024
Verified Purchase
When this book came out 20 years ago, I was so mad because I had wanted to write a similar book... That's part of why I waited 20 years to read it. Also I was afraid of getting stoned to death in the town square for admitting to the one night stand.

For some reason it didn't occur to me that in spite of the very controversial subject matter, you could make the audience love you instead of hate you... now I know how she does it- she's funny.

Good thing Chelsea took the lead on this one. There are several times in the book when you wonder if she is lying or telling the truth.. but you come to the profound awareness that it doesn't matter because she is super funny. Thanks Chelsea this is my type of feminism. Also enjoyed the ending. I won't spoil it for anyone who is going to wait another 20 years to gaze into this sparkling gem. ✨️
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Kasia S.
4.0 out of 5 stars Perfect book for reading in bed
Reviewed in the United States on March 4, 2009
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Candid, shocking, hilarious, crass, sometimes gross, sarcastic and somehow still charming, that's Chelsea for you. Since I've been watching her late night show on E! for over a hear and a half now I wasn't as stunned as an average reader might be but the book was still a handful, easy to read but with many "holy moly" moments through in, some parts had me laughing so loud that I thought something would burst in my body, her comedic spirit is her own, she's not pretending to be funny, it's simply part of her personality and it works.

Being one of many siblings has made Chelsea a natural goofball around people, considering she seems to be the most mischievous and outgoing and perhaps the funniest. From an early age she hasn't shied away from figuring out things that parents want to keep hidden for as long as possible, resulting in a hunger that made her life look like one giant party. It was funny reading this and thinking that now I'm the age Chelsea was when the book was ending, and comparing of course how insanely different we are, I still had a blast reading about her conquests, one night stands ( half of them were more than one night, it made me laugh) and in between bizzaro incidents that made me feel better about my own past, I guess young men are mostly frogs and she proves it well in this hilarious memoir of sorts. Now no offence to the normal men out there, I believe you're hiding in between the wolves but they weren't so common in this bedside memoir.

This was a fun and fast read, something one can get through in a day or two, it might induce cravings for cocktails as one reads it, and I know I wanted one during each chapter. Chelsea is honest and funny, her personality really shines through even if it's bit over the top sometimes but ultimately she proves that she's a good friend to those close to her and I like that about her, she's not empty, she cares and she has a good heart.

I watch her show with my bf every night and it rarely fails to make us laugh, sometimes it gets boring, other times its really out there, but she says whatever she thinks of celebs and calls them out when they are lame and I love that. She brings some much needed humility to the Hollywood scene but always with some laughs.

- Kasia S.
4 people found this helpful
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Kurt Joseph Pankau
5.0 out of 5 stars Brief, Meaningless Fun
Reviewed in the United States on February 15, 2012
Verified Purchase
Without question, this book is fluff. I feel guilty rating it as highly as I did, but the book is such well-executed fluff that it's difficult to put down. Written as a series of self-contained episodes, Handler chronicles the party-girl days from her late teens to her late twenties and the increasingly bizarre and outlandish situations she finds herself in while pursuing non-committal sex. Popcorn-sized anecdotes and wickedly funny scenarios/dialogue/editorializing keep the momentum up, and she manages to end on a bit of closure--even if the last few sentences culminate in an obvious and not-particularly-funny joke.

The book regards sex conversationally--it's bawdy without being explicit. There's some mild feminism at work (Handler regards her proclivities as behaving like a man rather than being a "slut"), but the discussion of sex isn't about titillation. Rather, it's just another platform for humor, and humor is the book's biggest asset. Handler's stand-up background is on display, and she's able to construct stories for great comic effect, with amusing asides that loop back into the narrative only to be called back later. Once or twice her digressions spin mildly out of control and there is a lull somewhere in the middle third where the style of joke-telling starts to grow stale and the anecdotes haven't quite escalated enough to compensate. But that lull is pretty brief, as her stories are soon taken over by colorful characters and bad decisions.

This is a memoir, so the details are varying degrees of highly-suspect, but that rarely takes you out of the story, and Handler is by her own admission a pathological liar. If there's a point to all this mess, I never found it, but that doesn't seem to matter. My Horizontal Life is never self-important, never pretentious, and never seems to develop any literary aspirations whatsoever. The book is itself a one-night stand: brief, meaningless fun.
3 people found this helpful
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Stella Carrier
5.0 out of 5 stars Sizzling With Touches of Humor
Reviewed in the United States on April 9, 2020
Verified Purchase
I confess that I actually purchased this kindlebook that is My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands by Chelsea Handler by the October 8, 2016 timeframe via Amazon from money made from recent university employment. Chelsea Handler definitely unleashes unrestrained writing in a bold and creative way to highlight how both her childhood life and her later adult years indirectly influenced how she approached her casual and more serious relationships. She also definitely injects a sense of adventure in her writing via highlighting some of the multiple journeys and experiences that life took her when describing the people she knew in her love life and those who lived with her. Even moments where she describes some people in harsh ways, she also shows her humanity (for instance she at first admits to wanting to avoid taking a trip/traveling with a particular person and she outlines reasons way though she shows her heart/empathy/compassion when she notices and pays attention/observes how the person initially acts when Handler at first has reservations about going on the trip). There are multiple more soap opera details in this kindlebook which adds to the allure of this kindlebook.
2 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Menomalio Nespi
5.0 out of 5 stars Bad decisions make good stories
Reviewed in Italy on August 18, 2020
Verified Purchase
..and this book has many of them, that you cannot but love Chelsea . I adore her self-confidence, and corrosive irony. The episode I enjoyed the most is about a short and tragic ship Cruise, where she touches the bottom but still remains a brilliant sex/life warrior.
One person found this helpful
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Tara
5.0 out of 5 stars Muy ella
Reviewed in Spain on October 6, 2019
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Una risa de libro. Así, de principio a fin. Todo MUY Chelsea.
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Leah-S
5.0 out of 5 stars Chelsea Handler, You Are Too Funny.
Reviewed in Canada on June 6, 2013
Verified Purchase
I first heard about Chelsea Handler when I started watching “Chelsea Lately” when it first aired, I immediately fell in love with her sense of humor & delivery, she’s hilarious!

The Book: It is truly laugh-out-loud funny, I was reading it at an office job on my lunch breaks & I would be laughing so hard in the break room, this girl leaves nothing to the imagination & is a true comic.

If you haven’t watched her show, watch it, & if you haven’t read her books, read them! This & “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.” Are by far my favorites, unfortunately, her most recent ones, not so much.
2 people found this helpful
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Anne H
5.0 out of 5 stars hilarious
Reviewed in France on January 12, 2014
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I loved this book. It made me laugh out loud many times.

I would definitely recommend it. I have read multiple books by female comics in the last year and I think this and mindy kaling's book are definitely the funniest.
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Tanya
5.0 out of 5 stars Too dam funny
Reviewed in Australia on February 21, 2016
Verified Purchase
Brilliantly done funny. Be warned you may laugh so hard you cry.
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