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Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase Hardcover – May 5, 2009
Purchase options and add-ons
- Print length365 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherNAL Hardcover
- Publication dateMay 5, 2009
- Reading age18 years and up
- Dimensions6.48 x 1.3 x 9.28 inches
- ISBN-100451226801
- ISBN-13978-0451226808
From #1 New York Times bestselling author Colleen Hoover comes a novel that explores life after tragedy and the enduring spirit of love. | Learn more
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From Publishers Weekly
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About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
November 6, 1974
Dear Mattel,
Your Bella Dancerella Barbie is junk!
Just today the head fell off her. Yesterday, her body fell apart. I do not have any of the pieces to send you because they are junk now.
Maybe you should send me a replacmat riplacemint repleasement another one immediately before I tell all my friends what shoddy products you manufacture.
Your friend,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. My Dawn dolls fell apart in the tub when I tried to take them swimming. Please send two Dancerella Barbies to make up for this tragic loss.
October 1, 1976
Hi, Mrs. Cummings,
You don’t know me but I am my brother Todd’s sister. My mom says Todd is failing your Spanish class. She yelled at him a bunch for getting an F on the test and he was mad. He kept saying “no bueno.”
My mom is probably too emotional about Todd’s grades to discuss the situation rationally, so you should probably work through me. I am enclosing a blank piece of paper so you can give me a progress report on Todd.
Okay, thank you,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. Hola!
P.P.S. Look at me! I’m already bi-lingual!
December 12, 1980
Hello, Brooke Shields!
I’m a big fan even though I’m not allowed to see The Blue Lagoon. Plus you’re from New Jersey and I used to live in New Jersey and we have the same eyebrowns, so it’s like we’re already kindred spirits.
Anyway, I saw your commercial and I like the Calvin Klein jeans you advertise. I figure you probably have some extra since Mr. Klein likely gave them to you for free.
You’re in luck – I happen to need some Calvin Klein jeans and no one will buy them for me so why not solve both our problems and send me some? Seriously, no one in this stupid cow town has Calvins and I’d be the first if you sent me some and I’m pretty sure that would catapult me to instant celebrity.
Your friend,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. My auntie says your ads are kitty porn, but that makes no sense because you’re totally wearing pants! Also? There are no cats!
February 14, 1981
Brooke,
I am not saying “dear” because you are not dear to me. I ask you for extra pants and you send me back a frigging postcard?
You are NOT COOL.
And I totally pluck my eyebrows now. You should, too.
NOT your friend,
Jennifer Lancaster
P.S. All is forgiven if the pants are in the mail.
January 28, 1984
Principal Stern,
I’m sorry you had to take time out of your busy day of principal-ing to deal with such a trivial matter.
Honestly, I have no idea how or why Justine Moore got the idea that I hated her and that I specifically carried nail scissors around to simulate snip-snip sounds whenever I was behind her in the hallway. And I couldn’t begin to tell you who started the rumor about people wanting to hack off a chunk of her hair ridiculous red hair to punish her for being such a b-i-t, well, you know, female dog.
These allegations against me are hurtful and untrue even though she TOTALLY tried to get with my date by grinding on him when I hit the bathroom at the last school dance. As you can see, she’d have it coming if someone were to give her an unexpected haircut, but it wouldn’t be me.
Your student,
Jeni Lancaster
P.S. She has NO proof.
December 15, 2008
Dear Self,
Someday in a fit of nostalgia, or perhaps after watching Gross Pointe Blank again, you will be tempted to attend a high school reunion.
Before you load up the CD player with eighties tunes and create a triptych, please read this book and re-familiarize yourself with all the smack you talked about your classmates and hometown.
And then take yourself on a spa weekend instead so you don’t accidentally, you know, get lynched.
You can’t go home again.
At least not after mocking the prom queen.
Best,
Jen
PROLOGUE
When I was a kid, my mother’s mantra was You are what you eat.
Considering that I broke the long silence from birth until my thirteenth month of life by uttering the word “cookie,” it was safe to say even then that it would not become mine. I knew I wasn’t a bruised banana pulled from her handbag while waiting on line at the post office, nor was I an unsweetened bowl of Cheerios topped with wheat germ from the foul-smelling hippie health food store. Sure, I’d have happily been a Hershey bar or a bowl of mouth-shredding Crunch Berries, but a poorly boned bowl of homemade chicken soup or a salt-free lentil casserole? No.
Right about the time I was able to cut my own meat and make my own sartorial choices, my Auntie Fanny gave me some of my cousin Stephanie’s old clothes. I was instantly enamored; there were colors and styles I’d never seen before.
Instead of the ducky-and-moo-cow tops my mother bought or made by hand, I took first grade by storm in Steph’s old purple suede fringe vests and rainbow-striped corduroy bell-bottoms and peace symbol T-shirts. I mean, why would I dress like a baby when I could look like an extra from Sonny and Cher Show reruns?
I may not have been able to tie my shoes or spell my last name, but I knew one thing for sure—I was not what I ate.
I was what I wore.
You never can tell when nostalgia might strike. For many people, it’s triggered by a long-forgotten scent, say the nose on a glass of wine that evokes the aroma of ripe grapes hanging from the arbor in their great-grandmother’s backyard. For others, memories come flooding in when a fancy small-plates restaurant conjures up an ironic bread pudding that happens to taste just like the one Mrs. Maguire brought to that block party the day Nixon resigned. For some, it’s a snippet of a song: Three bars from Toto’s “Africa” broadcast from a passing car and they’re no longer swinging a Halliburton briefcase down Michigan Avenue to get to a branding meeting. Instead, they’re huddled in their high school commons at lunch, cramming for a fifth-period chemistry test.
And me? Well, more often than not a piece of clothing will spark my memory.
I clearly remember what I had on when I learned the Challenger exploded, and I know what I was wearing when President Reagan was shot. I saw my husband, Fletch, for the first time when I was waitressing in a pink polo and low-waisted men’s green chinos, and a year later when we had our first kiss, I was in a red Ralph Lauren turtleneck, loose sand-colored 501s, and had a red and blue grosgrain band around my watch. I can even tell you the exact gauge of the sweater set I wore the day I made the mistake of carrying a Prada bag to the unemployment office . . . no matter how much I’d like to forget.
The sizes on the tags of my clothing may have changed over the years, but the memories are a constant.
In Pretty in Plaid, I recall the outfits (and events) that ultimately made me the kind of condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered smart-ass who would bark orders at waitresses and make assistants cry. My road to hell wasn’t paved with good intentions—it was cobbled with gold lavalieres and Gucci purses.
As I examine my life through this book, I can’t help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she’d let me eat a little more sugar, I’d have come out sweeter.
But, really, who knows?
All I can say for sure is that my story begins with kneesocks and a lobster bib. . . .
Product details
- Publisher : NAL Hardcover; 1st edition (May 5, 2009)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 365 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0451226801
- ISBN-13 : 978-0451226808
- Reading age : 18 years and up
- Item Weight : 1.45 pounds
- Dimensions : 6.48 x 1.3 x 9.28 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #1,781,526 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #3,248 in Humor Essays (Books)
- #13,371 in Fiction Satire
- #51,409 in Memoirs (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Jen Lancaster is a New York Times bestselling author who has sold well over a million books. From Bitter Is the New Black to The Tao of Martha, Jen has made a career out of documenting her attempts to shape up, grow up, and have it all - sometimes with disastrous results. Her NYT bestselling novel Here I Go Again received three starred reviews (Kirkus, Booklist, Publishers Weekly). Her memoir I Regret Nothing was named an Amazon Best Book of the Year, and she's regularly a finalist in the Goodreads Choice Awards. She loves bad TV, terrible wine, and will die before she gives up her Oxford comma.
Jen can often be seen on The Today Show, as well as CBS This Morning, Fox News, NPR All Things Considered, among others. She lives in the Chicago suburbs with her husband and her many ill-behaved dogs and cats. Visit her website: jenlancaster.com, Twitter: @altgeldshrugged, Instagram: @jennsylvania, or Facebook.com/authorjenlancaster.
Hear the stories behind Jen's books on The Stories We'd Tell in Bars podcast, available on iTunes, Podbean, Spreaker, GooglePlay, and iHeartRadio, among other entities.
Customer reviews
Customer Reviews, including Product Star Ratings help customers to learn more about the product and decide whether it is the right product for them.
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book humorous and lighthearted. They describe it as an easy read that provides pure entertainment. The author's relatable style and stories make readers smile and laugh out loud.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers enjoy the book's humor. They find it entertaining, with witty and preppy writing style that makes them laugh out loud. The memoir keeps readers entertained on long drives with its sarcastic humor.
"...I'm always sad when her books come to an end. It's nice to escape everyday life and get a sneak peak into someone else's dysfunction for a moment...." Read more
"...This book is a nice walk.... jog... no, it's a stumble through Jen's childhood into teen angst and many years of college..." Read more
"...through a book and want more when your done, then this is a book you need to read!" Read more
"...Some of the comments take me back in a flash, and they're fun memories. And yet, she's much younger than I am...." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and entertaining. They say it's a light summer read.
"...If you're looking for light summer reading that's pure entertainment, this is the book for you." Read more
"...It was an easy read , one that you could take to the beach or on vacation," Read more
"...the humor and whit in all her books thus far b/c they are such a easy read - this one is no different!" Read more
"I just love Jen Lancaster. I love her easy to read style and her honesty. I always look forward to reading one of her books during summer break." Read more
Customers enjoy the book's pacing and find the characters relatable. They describe the woman as smart, witty, and preppy. The stories have a personal connection for readers.
"Okay let me just start by saying this woman is my soul mate ( not in a creepy stalker way). She makes me smile and have good hard belly laughs...." Read more
"...I was you" with "I am SO glad I am not you" in a way that is relatable to everyone...." Read more
"...outfits that she's worn (and loved) over the years and a story attached to each one. I can't wait to read more Lancater books" Read more
"Very relate-able" Read more
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on August 11, 2016Okay let me just start by saying this woman is my soul mate ( not in a creepy stalker way). She makes me smile and have good hard belly laughs. Much like me, her filter is on the fritz. I appreciate her genuineness. I don't care what others say, Jen Lancaster you are my savior!!
This book will make you LOL throughout each chapter. I'm always sad when her books come to an end. It's nice to escape everyday life and get a sneak peak into someone else's dysfunction for a moment. Pretty in Plaid may be my absolute favorite and I've read all her work. Thank you for putting the F U in FUN!!!!!
- Reviewed in the United States on January 3, 2010Having been in a reading slump after weeks of books that just could not catch my interest or were so badly written, so depressing, so off-putting I was using them as kindling in the fireplace, I remembered Jen Lancaster had put out Pretty in Plaid. Normally I shy from "pre-quels" as they are never as good as the original stories you fell in love with - can we say Star Wars? I finished a book for the first time in 3 weeks and ENJOYED IT!!! Yea me - yea Jen! Wonder if this is what guys with the little blue pill feel like? Sorry.... I digress.
This book is a nice walk.... jog... no, it's a stumble through Jen's childhood into teen angst and many years of college (really Jen? how many years? Party much? LOL) as she finds her way to the book where we all made her acquaintence for the first time. If you are from the generation before Jen's or the one after ours, then you probably won't care for her story or her voice much. However, for those of us born in the early '70's (or so) Mrs. Lancaster's journey rings true on many levels, for many reasons. Not the least of which is the burning need to fit into a size 6 Jordache jeans with no panty lines and making our mothers understand that spending the same for a pair of said jeans as she spent on two week's worth of groceries was not unreasonable. Her European trip as a junior was a SCREAM! Oh and thank you for reminding me of the awful first car - the Toyota Tercel and it's evil GM twin, the Geo Prizm. I love that we now have a glimpse of the real reasons Jen is who she is.
Granted, parts of this book aren't quite as funny as her previous efforts and in fact there are sections that do feel rushed and stretched, but heck, no author is perfect and when you have multiple books out, there will always been one that isn't as good as the rest. Hopefully her next one will be focused again on the present which is where her current observations on life and people are their snarkiest and thus funniest.
- Reviewed in the United States on September 19, 2009I have read everyone of her books. From one smart ass to another, Jen Lancaster gets better every book she writes. I can just only hope she will keep us wondering what she will bluntly say next. But, I will bluntly say this, "if you can't appreciate her wittiness or her rudeness then you are probably one of the dumb ass people she has encountered in her life that she has wrote about!" If you want to laugh all the way through a book and want more when your done, then this is a book you need to read!
- Reviewed in the United States on May 17, 2009i've read all of Jen's books. at first, her ego-centricity was charming...but it's a one-trick premise. fortunately, her writing is strong enough to over-compensate for what ultimate can encroach into whiny.
Although amazingly charismatic, after four books, I'm increaingly convinced that she's best taken in short doses. I'd love to have drinks with her...but anything more and I'd want to smack the snot out of her (figuratively - not literally). Her husband is either completely oblivious or an absolute saint.
For maximum enjoyment, take her books one at a time. Back to back, charming gets a bit grating. Her books (particuarly the first) would make great movies - why hasn't that been picked up on yet?
One aspect that I particular love about her books are her generous use of footnotes. One warning though...it doesn't work very well in Kindle format.
- Reviewed in the United States on May 30, 2010I've read Jen's books out of order, but it doesn't really matter. After the first one you start to feel that you know her and the members of her family. Wish I had
known her in junior high and high school. Some of the comments take me back in a flash, and they're fun memories. And yet, she's much younger than I am.
I think she's an alter-ego for me -- someone that I wish I could be at times.
Don't just read one -- get them all.
- Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2009I hesitated in buying this book thinking that going back to Jen's childhood could not be nearly as Snarky and hillarious as doing such adult things as pretending you have a homeowner's association and that you are the president. I saw that other readers didn't love this one as much, so that made me hesitate too. Boy, was I wrong and I'm so glad I read it.
I found this book delightful and HILLARIOUS! Now, that could be because I think Jen and I are about the same age, with a very practical, middle class up-bringing, therefore have we have many of the same experiences and perspectives. If you are a child of the 70's & 80s and remember Kristy McNichol, Jordache Jeans, Polo shirts and Michael Jackson, you may relate too. She walks readers through her real first job and how she though she was RICH! Didn't we all? When you hit the 20k's in salary.. woo hoo!! until you have to pay rent and a car payment. Then the first time you heard people talking about "Their Lewie" - not know ing it wasn't a dog or an uncle, but a Louis (As in Louis Vuitton).
Jen feels like a Facebook friend I don't personally know very well, but because I read her posts and see her photos, I feel like we are BFFs. I think this book is worth the read. Just be prepared to remember who you were at that time. The entertainment lies not only in Jen's story, but who the reader was at that time in their own history.
Top reviews from other countries
- Danielle SterlingReviewed in Canada on April 4, 2017
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Good
-
KatReviewed in Germany on July 6, 2010
4.0 out of 5 stars Pretty in Plaid is pretty good
Genau wie in ihren drei vorangegangenen Büchern schreibt Jen Lancaster in gewohnt originellem Stil. Vor dem Kauf des Buches war ich skeptisch, ob dieses Buch, welches zeitlich vor Bitter is the New Black, Bright Lights, Big Ass und Such a Pretty Fat angesiedelt ist und von Jens Kindheit und Jugendjahren handelnd, genauso komisch und interessant sein könnte wie ihre Vorgänger. Die Antwort lautet ja.
Zudem ein herrlicher "trip down memory lane" für all diejenigen, die in den 70er und 80er Jahren aufgewachsen sind. A fun and easy read.
- Tutu and a T-ShirtReviewed in the United Kingdom on July 21, 2009
5.0 out of 5 stars Laughed so much it hurt!!!!
Jen Lancaster has done it again with another fantastic book! This time she reflects back on her childhood !!!! I love every book she has written so far and I can not wait for the next one. I hope one day she will do a book tour in London as I am sure so many others would as well!!!!
I suggest to anyone to read all her books if you need to laugh out loud !!!!
- EYE TCReviewed in Canada on January 2, 2016
5.0 out of 5 stars Awesomeness
Great Book and seller.