Kindle
$14.49
Available instantly
Audible Logo Audiobook
$0.00
with membership trial
Hardcover
$23.27
Paperback
$11.59
Buy used:
$23.27
$3.98 delivery Thursday, May 16. Details
Used: Good | Details
Sold by glenthebookseller
Condition: Used: Good
Comment: Item in good condition. Textbooks may not include supplemental items i.e. CDs, access codes etc...
Access codes and supplements are not guaranteed with used items.
Amazon book clubs early access
Loading your book clubs
There was a problem loading your book clubs. Please try again.
Not in a club? Learn more
Amazon book clubs early access

Join or create book clubs

Choose books together

Track your books
Bring your club to Amazon Book Clubs, start a new book club and invite your friends to join, or find a club that’s right for you for free.
Explore Amazon Book Clubs
Kindle app logo image

Download the free Kindle app and start reading Kindle books instantly on your smartphone, tablet, or computer - no Kindle device required.

Read instantly on your browser with Kindle for Web.

Using your mobile phone camera - scan the code below and download the Kindle app.

QR code to download the Kindle App

Follow the author

Esther Perel
+ Follow
More books from this author
Something went wrong. Please try your request again later.

Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic Hardcover – September 5, 2006

by Esther Perel (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 8,905 ratings
See all formats and editions

A New York City therapist examines the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and sexual desire and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.

Read more Read less
Previous page
  1. Print length
    272 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Harper
  4. Publication date
    September 5, 2006
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.75 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0060753633
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0060753634
  8. See all details
Next page
The Amazon Book Review
The Amazon Book Review
Book recommendations, author interviews, editors' picks, and more. Read it now.
Popular Highlights in this book
What are popular highlights?
Previous page
  1. Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.
    Highlighted by 10,800 Kindle readers
  2. When people become fused—when two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.
    Highlighted by 10,580 Kindle readers
  3. Introducing uncertainty sometimes requires nothing more than letting go of the illusion of certitude. In this shift of perception, we recognize the inherent mystery of our partner.
    Highlighted by 9,896 Kindle readers
Next page

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Developed originally from an article she wrote on "erotic intelligence," psychotherapist Perel's first book sets forth a thesis for today's couples that is as revelatory as it is straightforward. Languishing desire in a relationship actually results from all the factors people look for in love and marriage: grounding, meaning, continuity. Partnerships are supposed to provide "a bulwark against the vicissitudes of modern life," Perel notes, and in one person we turn for all the emotional connections that the greater society (church, community, family) can no longer provide. Habit and certainty kill desire, yet how to live comfortably with the elements of unpredictability and risk that are necessary for healthy eroticism? Perel supports her nicely accessible work with case studies of couples both heterosexual and gay, spanning all ages, with kids and without, in an attempt to cure what ails their sex life. Some of the proposals Perel recommends for rekindling eroticism involve cultivating separateness (e.g., autonomy) in a relationship rather than closeness (entrapment); exploring dynamics of power and control (i.e., submission, spanking); and learning to surrender to a "sexual ruthlessness" that liberates us from shame and guilt. In short, Perel sanctions fantasy and play and offers the estranged modern couple a unique richness of experience. (Sept.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

“As revelatory as it is straightforward…nicely accessible…[Perel] offers the estranged modern couple a unique richness of experience.” — Publishers Weekly

“Perel tells us why intimacy can feel imprisoning and how we can embrace the erotic—without leaving home. Her writing is fresh and provocative, in a class by itself.” — Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

“Her advice is refreshingly counterintuitive.” — Salon.com

“Mating in Captivity takes a hard line against one of the most time-honored institutions in human history: the sexless marriage…It reads like a cross between the works of Jacques Lacan and French Women Don’t Get Fat.” — The New Yorker

“Mating in Captivity...articulates a poignant and unacknowledged modern crisis for the first time.” — The Evening Standard (London)

“An elegant sociological study, complete with erudite literary and anthropological references.” — Daily Telegraph (London)

“An academic perspective on the deterioration of sex in relationships...Perel offers insightful, progressive theories on how to put the play back into partnerships.” — Daily Record & Sunday Mail

“A charming blend of wit and wisdom...this book will give you a fresh perspective on long-term love.” — Gold Coast Bulletin (Australia)

“Well argued points written with considerable eloquence.” — Jerusalem Post

“This is a brave book...refreshing.” — The Times Higher Education Supplement

“So honest it hurts.” — Irish Times

“An excellent book, full of provocative prose and entertaining case illustrations.” — Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Harper; 1st edition (September 5, 2006)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 272 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0060753633
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0060753634
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.75 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 8,905 ratings

About the author

Follow authors to get new release updates, plus improved recommendations.
Esther Perel

Esther Perel

Brief content visible, double tap to read full content.
Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

'Hello, I'm Esther... I imagine a world where we experience a sense of aliveness and vitality in our relationships, because the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. I've dedicated my life and career to understanding and improving human relationships. Let's continue to learn together.'

Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence became a global phenomenon translated into 25 languages. Her newest book is theNew York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the award-winning podcast Where Should We Begin? Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
8,905 global ratings
Insightful and masterful
5 Stars
Insightful and masterful
Masterly reminding us of the sense of self and our own eroticism. Great differentiation between components of a wide variety of domestic couples. Love the non exclusively American vision. I learned a lot from it and I recommended it to people close to me.
Hide
Thank you for your feedback
Sorry, there was an error
Sorry we couldn't load the review

Top reviews from the United States

DMM
5.0 out of 5 stars Very interesting read
Reviewed in the United States on November 1, 2023
Verified Purchase
First, I loved the authors fiesty accent. This book was very well written and gave me a new perspective on relationships. Over time, we become complacent in our relationships, and it gets boring. This author is very open-minded about the dynamics in relationships. It helped me to think of relationships in a new way. I have been in my current relations for 9 years, and recently went through a lot of turmoil when my partners shared their dissatisfaction with the same boring thing day after day. It is definitely more challenging to turn things around when you are the only one interested in doing so. I did find a few really great resources on Amazon that have helped. I am not saying I am out of the woods yet, but have definitely made some good progress. Life is a never ending lesson. You only stop learning when you are dead.
24 people found this helpful
Helpful
 Report
K. Salinger
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book for couples and singles! Offers a fully different perspective
Reviewed in the United States on October 11, 2010
Verified Purchase
This is a really, really great book on navigating relationships and is great for both couples and singles. Based on the title you may think it is all about sex. However, to me, it is all about maintaining "who you are" and a healthy amount of independence or distance within the relationship so that the spark and passion stays strong between you. A spark doesn't happen without a bit of distance that it can arc across. This is true for passion and interest in relationships too.

The book is written by a European who has been living in the U.S. and working as a therapist here for years. Through her background she has identified key issues in the way we handle relationships in the U.S. that are actually killing the passion. It does also discuss the differences between one partner and another in relation to passion, sexual interest, and general interest and gives suggestions on how to find a workable plan if those differences aren't changeable.

The author discusses how our U.S. culture encourages complete enmeshment with our partners - so there are no secrets, no boundaries, nothing personal or private away from your partner. The problem with this is that you need to keep your individuality intact in order for a relationship to keep it's spark. It is our differences, the mystery of the "other" that creates passion. Without this you'll be hard pressed to have passion in your relationship. If you do everything with your partner, what new do you have to discuss and share? If you are in the bathroom while your partner does their most unpleasant business, how do you then turn around and see them in a passionate way? (my example, not the author's) This enmeshment is not common abroad. It is better understood overseas that you need to maintain independence and a level of mystery in order to keep passion burning. Significantly more marriages fail in the U.S. than abroad and perhaps this is why.

By keeping your independence and NOT being an open book who does nothing without your partner you maintain the mystery and interest needed for passion. A passionate marriage is a happy and fulfilling marriage. Don't give up your favorite things or your activities with friends. Make time to go out with your best friends without your partner. Did you have a favorite activity pre-partnership that you never do anymore? Go do it - alone or with friends. Don't make every activity be with your partner - it's just too much. Then, when you come together you have different things to share, unique experiences and that difference, the mystery is intact. The author explains this whole concept so much better than I do - you really must read this book. I'd say it is my favorite book on relationships - and I read tons of books on that kind of thing(I'm in a doctorate of psychology program).

There are, of course, individual differences in passion levels, sexual interest levels, and personal activity levels as well. These differences, and how to find a workable plan to satisfy those differences, are also discussed in the book. Essentially it tells you how to optimize the passion and interest, and then work from there to find a place that meets both partner's intimacy level needs.

Summary: The U.S. has a different perspective on how relationships ought to be compared to abroad. The U.S. also has a significantly higher rate of divorce and relationship unhappiness. The premise of this book is that we become too enmeshed with our partner and lose our individuality. This kills passion, which needs difference and mystery to exist. This is understood abroad and relationships are handled differently there. The book demonstrates this theory through easy to read client examples and offers suggestions on how to return independence and passion to a relationship.
164 people found this helpful
Helpful
 Report
King Lerch
4.0 out of 5 stars Excellent, but far too flowery writing style
Reviewed in the United States on December 5, 2012
Verified Purchase
I have read a lot of books on this subject, and this book has a lot to offer. In many ways the concepts are new and fresh, thinking about ourselves differently, accepting our tendencies and who we are, understanding why we do what we do... This book tries to change the way you think, and thereby save a lot of effort we normally spend trying to change partners.

But I have to remove 1 big star for the writing style. This material is not necessarily the easiest to digest, and on almost every page there is a word I have to look up. And even when I know what she said, I would ask, "Why would she say it that way? Why would she take something important and say it in the most difficult to understand way?" Let me take a single random passage:

"The social critic Camille Paglia sees this rise in domination and submission as a collective fantasy that tweaks the rough spots of our egalitarian culture. It seems to me that rituals of domination and submission are a subversive way to put one over on a society that glorifies control, belittles dependency, and demands equality."

Do I know what she meant? Well, yeah...mostly. But there are many better ways to deliver the material and make it more accessible, rather than losing me in the weeds of the writing itself.

Excellent book, excellent material, unnecessarily complicated writing style.
52 people found this helpful
Helpful
 Report
Hilary D
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing, insightful, witty
Reviewed in the United States on January 14, 2024
Verified Purchase
Wow. This book has more insights into romance and relationships in general than any podcast, TedTalk, therapy session, book etc that I’ve ever learned from. Perel is a love life genius.
7 people found this helpful
Helpful
 Report
Vlad GURDIGA
5.0 out of 5 stars Profound and still practical
Reviewed in the United States on March 31, 2024
Verified Purchase
A calm and analytical explanation of what is probably the most charged subject matter when it comes to marriage and its joys and difficulties. And also very non-philosophical advice about how to approach it, and how to make friends with it.
Helpful
 Report

Top reviews from other countries

Translate all reviews to English
Monica Ruiz
5.0 out of 5 stars Buenisisiisimo
Reviewed in Mexico on April 15, 2023
Verified Purchase
Buy buen libro es una experta, todos debemos leerlo
Report
Cliente Amazon
5.0 out of 5 stars A great book!
Reviewed in Spain on September 7, 2022
Verified Purchase
I love Esther Perel! This is by far the best book I've read related to this topic! Very well written, with plenty of examples and extremely engaging!
2 people found this helpful
 Report
Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Worth a read
Reviewed in Germany on February 21, 2021
Verified Purchase
Great book with a different outlook.

Depending on how you read it and what you read it for:
-you can gather ideas of what to do differently in your relationship
-might help you understand why you have certain thoughts and feelings
-might help put your partner's ideas into perspective.
-might open your eyes to situations you didn't know existed...
-and much more.

Super enjoyed reading it. It wasn't what I expected at all. Author goes into details about other couples or situations she has faced in her office-- but if you are smart in your reading, you're able to gather new information and helpful hints for what is applicable to you and your reasoning for reading, even if it's just for leisure reading.
2 people found this helpful
 Report
Jeanne T.
5.0 out of 5 stars Changing your perspective
Reviewed in France on September 22, 2019
Verified Purchase
This books has two major upsides for me : Firstly, it's packed with interesting and intuitive information that I personally felt made sense as I read it (and is also backed up by the author's research, obviously). It ditches the all too common relationship/libido step by steps instructions (fixing your relationships in 10 easy steps blabla...). Even though there are great books in this category (Jon gottman for instance), Perel instead explains simply some concepts about desire, sexual needs, and the way they can get messy with relationships. Don't be afraid, this book isn't gonna tell you that monogamy isn't a viable option, or that wanting passion in a 30 years old marriage is childish, or that you need to mature and that your cravings are a sign of something unhealthy. Instead, it celebrates them. She celebrates desire, and the magic that happens in a long term relationship when you manage to attain both sensuality and the warmth of safety. The stuff she covers is truly fascinating and eye opening about our own bias, fears and how the society we built triggers all of them. If you think that you lost interest in your partner because "you know them by heart" "you can't desire what you have" etc, boy, you're in for a ride that'll make you requestion what baggage and coping mechanisms and you are bringing to this relationship. And if you're tired of forcing yourself to have sex to please your partner and feeling both like you're not performing good enough for them, and like you're dysfunctional, this is not one of these books that'll tell you to push yourself harder.
Secondly, the prose is beautiful, both simple and easily readable, while managing to stay lyrical with gorgeous vocabulary, which I enjoy as a non-english reader (hey, even when you're bilingual, simple prose is still better to read when your brain is fried after a long day). I do think she writes beautifully, and she also interwines her concepts with case studies, including a lot of dialogue that you most likely will relate to. It really lets the book breathe and makes her points shine.
One last thing : she does talk about mostly american couples and speak of how Europe is different, and while it is true that we are - slightly - more open about sex, I disagree with the reviewer who said her points didn't match European behavior. Her points are based partly on education, culture, fears, bias and other deeply personal stuff. The thing is that nowadays, in first world countries such as, well, all Europe, america, etc, we've reached a point where culture has mingled and mixed up a lot. Her points don't contradict European culture, firstly because Europe's original culture is far from that idealized sex free and intellectual people, and also because her specific points apply just right to the specific "puritan but hedonist" culture, which is now everywhere in the world where there's been religion and also enough money to fill the hedonist pool. If you think this book only applies to americans, honestly, look around you.
Overall, amazing book, would recommend. :)
7 people found this helpful
 Report
Boustrophedon
5.0 out of 5 stars Chiunque dovrebbe leggerlo
Reviewed in Italy on October 4, 2018
Verified Purchase
Se state valutando l'acquisto di questo libro vuol dire che il sesso non è del tutto soddisfacente nel vostro rapporto di coppia. Invece, andrebbe letto anche dalle coppie che non hanno alcun problema, perché fornisce una serie di concetti e indicazioni che valgono per tutti.
La cosa che più ho apprezzato è il rifiuto dell'approccio prevalente secondo il quale il buon sesso è una conseguenza dell'intimità: curando quest'ultima, il primo verrà da sé. Nulla di più sbagliato, perché la passione, come spiega benissimo l'autrice, nasce dalla lontananza e non dalla vicinanza.
Per me e mia moglie è stato utilissimo, soprattutto per spingerci a valutare le questioni tra di noi con uno sguardo nuovo.
4 people found this helpful
 Report